Snow Lucy and the Seven Symptoms
Once upon a time there lived a young maiden, the fairest in all the land. Her name was Snow Lucy. Well, she wasn't so much a "maiden" anymore, not for a while in fact... And not exactly "young". And to say she was the fairest in all the land might have been an exaggeration.
Once upon a time there lived a young-ish lady, quite passably fair for her age, for her neighborhood. Her name was Snow Lucy. Snow Lucy was named after the beautiful snow leopard, who is pale, and rare, and often spotty.
Snow Lucy had a pet named Sparkle Unicorn Kitty. No matter how many times Snow Lucy sat her cat down in front of a DVD of
Cinderella, Sparkle Unicorn Kitty never learned to clean the house, or make her a ball gown.
One day while Snow Lucy was cleaning up cat vomit, a knock sounded upon the charming carved wooden door of the hut. Snow Lucy washed the remaining hair ball off her hands and skipped to the door, eager to see who had come to visit!
A little man stood at the door. He was even shorter than Snow Lucy, and that’s saying something. He was dressed in rags of a pea green color, and looked rather slimy.
“Hello, kind sir. How are you to-day?” said Snow Lucy.
The little man ran into the hut before Snow Lucy could even blink!
“Wait!” she cried, for she was afraid he would get slime all over her freshly scrubbed house, which that damn cat never helped her with. She closed the door and turned to confront this tiny interloper. “Mister Dwarf Sir, what is your name?”
“Snotty,” said Snotty.
“Snotty, thank you very much for coming by, but I’m afraid I’m not receiving visitors right now. It’s almost time to watch
Project Runway, and, besides, I suddenly feel a bit under the weather.”
Snotty just stood there, dripping a yellowish goo onto the floor.
A knock sounded at the door.
What now? thought Snow Lucy.
She skipped to the door, a little unsteady on her feet this time, and opened it. There before her was another dwarf.
Snow Lucy was not a stupid girl. She quickly slammed the door shut, but the fast little man ran inside before she could stop him!
Feeling a slight tickle in her throat, Snow Lucy turned around and gave a mighty frown to the two men.
“Who are you, then?” she asked of the second dwarf.
“Coughy.”
She smiled. “Coffee? Why, I love coffee! Have you brought cream with you?”
He shook his head, his long beard sweeping back and forth across the floor. “I’m not that kind of coffee.”
Snow Lucy furrowed her brow, for she was confused. “You both must leave! I have a great deal to do, and have no help with my womanly housework.” She threw a dirty look at Sparkle Unicorn Kitty, who sat licking her own butt.
The two little men made themselves at home. Snotty threw a Pop Tart into the toaster, and Coughy flipped on the Tivo and began re-arranging her season passes.
Snow Lucy opened her mouth to protest, but coughed instead. A great hacking cough which hurt her chest.
A knock sounded at the door.
“No!” screamed Snow Lucy.
Coughy shoved her into her couch and ran for the door. He let in four more little men. They introduced themselves as Phlegmmy, Headachey, Blotchy, and Queasy.
Snow Lucy hacked and reached for her tissues. “You all must leave!” She blew her nose noisily and Snotty laughed and laughed.
Little bastard, she thought.
Phlegmmy waddled over to her and sat on her chest. Blotchy grabbed her hand and smacked her across the face with it, saying, “Stop blotching yourself, stop blotching yourself.” Queasy sat on her stomach and punched it repeatedly. And headachey sat… well, let’s just say Headachey was Snow Lucy’s least favorite dwarf, and he really needed a bath.
This went on for a long time. Snow Lucy called to Sparkle Unicorn Kitty for help. But, of course, the useless cat just wandered into a patch of sunlight and began meowing, loudly, for her dinner. The fat little shit had eaten two hours before.
Finally, Snow Lucy could hear the door open. Would it be another horrible little man?
No! It was Prince Ricky Charming, her husband!
“Snow Lucy, what is going on here?” asked Prince Ricky Charming.
“Pasjkf ahfuah auehf,” said Snow Lucy, for you-know-who was sitting on her face.
Prince Ricky Charming removed the terrible dwarf from her head and Snow Lucy took a deep breath. Well, as deep as she could. She coughed again, Phlegmmy rattling pots and pans something awful. “Prince Ricky Charming, I was going about my business, when these horrible six symptoms came in, uninvited, and they won’t leave.”
“This is bad, Snow Lucy.” Prince Ricky Charming backed away from her.
“Prince Ricky Charming, may I have a hug? I feel terrible!”
“Well…” Prince Ricky Charming backed away some more. “They are giving me the eye, Snow Lucy. If I give you a hug, they might decide to hug me, too.”
Snow Lucy frowned. Snotty flicked a giant glob of mucus into her face.
Prince Ricky Charming went about his business and fed the cat, who purred at him and jumped in his lap.
“Can’t you at least try to get rid of the little men?” begged Snow Lucy.
Prince Ricky Charming tried everything to make the little men go away. He burnt the dinner he made for them. He put Coldplay on, the worst music he could find. He read
Twilight aloud. Nothing worked, for the little men engaged in a lively discussion about who was “Team Edward” and who was “Team Jacob”.
The next day Prince Ricky Charming had to go to work for some reason, even though he was a prince. Snow Lucy was left alone with the dwarves, who settled into her house even more, even going so far as to take out a couple of credit cards in her name.
Snow Lucy was miserable. She tried to make herself some chicken noodle soup, but Queasy kept spilling it. Headachy had taken to beating her noggin with a hammer, which was, admittedly, better than him sitting on her head.
What to do?
Woe is me, thought Snow Lucy!
Mid-afternoon, Snow Lucy heard a rapping at the door. She managed to dislodge herself from Phlegmmy, who was strangling her, and ran to the door.
Snotty got there first.
He opened the door to reveal the worst dwarf of all: We-Ran-Out-of-Ice-Cream-Y.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” wailed Snow Lucy. She fell, crying, to the floor. That was it! She could take no more of these disgusting men!
She dragged herself to the phone and croaked into it. Only one could help her now.
Anon, help arrived. Snow Lucy stumbled to the window and opened the wooden shutters. There stood the wicked witch, Antibiotica. She hated to have to appeal to Antibiotica, but she had no choice. Besides, sometimes she came with her assistant, Cough-Medicine-With-Codeine.
“I have what you need,” said Antibiotica.
“Good,” croaked Snow Lucy. She could barely talk, for Phlegmmy had taken to choking her again.
Antibiotica pushed Cough-Medicine-With-Codeine through the window, and Snow Lucy immediately relaxed. All the little men were still there, but she didn’t care as much. She had a sudden desire to watch old episodes of
Great Space Coaster.
“Hey! Pay attention!” said Antibiotica. “Here’s the only known cure to get rid of even the worst pests. Put this in the DVD layer, and they will leave you.”
Snow Lucy handed over payment to the wicked witch, a bottle of Scotch. Antibiotica cackled and tottered off.
Just as the witch told her, she put the DVD into the player. The words “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” flashed across the screen. Snow Lucy immediately closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears, for it was truly the most appalling thing she had ever seen.
She cracked open one eye after a few minutes to see if Antibiotica’s cure had worked. It had! All the little men had left, and there was a brand new carton of strawberry ice cream sitting on the table.
Huzzah!
Snow Lucy changed out of her ratty pajamas and put on a cute dress and heels.
Prince Ricky Charming came home and kissed her passionately.
And they all lived happily ever after, especially Sparkle Unicorn Kitty, the brat who ate all of Snow Lucy’s ice cream.
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